rainbows.

he believes in beauty
he believes in muses
he holds onto individuality
he takes reality every day
and he idealizes it away for her
and he throws himself into everything
as if in a last ditch effort
and he paints all of the tragedy
in the colors of the rainbow
because she still thinks they are a beautiful inevitability.

and he is her hero
and maybe he will never know.
she can't tell him

what if he did know?
what if he found out?
it wouldn't be the same.
he can't have to live up to it
or it isn't the same.

what if he promised not to change?
is that a risk to take
to satisfy curiosity?
she can't lose her hero.

and she wants a hero

---MRS 12/13/07

turnaround

turnaround
and read it over
it was never really about her

she never wrote it for herself in the first place
but she never really knew that

turnaround, though.
it's there.
it's all out on the table.

she's not fair,
writing just for her
but it comes out for other people.

----MRS 12/9/07

everything is cool again.

it isn't fair
how she's the only one
sitting in her room
sitting all by herself
and she can't stop crying
and nobody wants her enough

and it's not fair
how she saw this coming
and how she didn't even try to stop it.

because she said
she said that this would happen
and she has seen this all before
and she crys herself to sleep at night.
and it rains.
and she sits there, all by herself.
and she crys herself to sleep.

and it's really really really not fair
because this time she didn't do anything
this time she was alreay miserable
and this time nobody can fix it.

because now she's stuck being all by herself
and it's not like it really matters
because nobody really wants her enough.
so it's not like she really matters.

----MRS 12/7/07

Space

she doesn't deserve to sit with the rest of them
outcast and miserable.
this isn't the life she was meant for
so why must she live with it?
and the cheats and the liars upon their crosses
and she's just sitting, watching, and counting her losses.

the stars will not vanish and leave her in darkness
so should she rely on them?
could she tell them her stories?

what if they whisper and what if they tell?
what if they leaked her all over the sky?

a friend of a friend of a friend could mishear it
and suddenly nothing is better anymore.

Nothing can ever stay better and it always ends far beyond worse.

so why should she tell it to the stars?


---MRS
11/30/07

a first.

it isn't good enough anymore to say what needs saying
i need your eyes to be open

"This cell has been crafted so lovely"
"I hate to dismiss you so unresolved"
"This jail is so empty"
"My captives are so wise, so witty."
"Does it bother you that they escape so unnoticed?"
"They always come back all alone, so distressed."
'Can it be so awful?
As bad as he says?'
'Of course, I will follow you everywhere
until you are spoiled.'

everyone is so the same.
their masks are always so transparent
if only they weren't so concerned...

beauty was not meant to be concealed behind temporary, garish facades.

-MRS
11/19/07

people so trapped in bodies

unintentional pain writes the best love stories
crossroads make the best climaxes
and if it were up to the hero
they would never decide.

---unfinished

"i want to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony"

"so this is love
and all along
i'd thought i'd found it
but i guess i was wrong
because nobody has ever
made me feel this good
about who i am
and what i'm doing
so thank you so much
for being my friend
and for treating me--
like everyone ought--
with dignity
with respect
with praise and admiration
thank you, friend

---MRS 7/28/07"

so this is love
and all long
i never knew
that you wouldn't care anymore
i never thought that you'd abandon me
and you don't care
you really don't care
and i know you wont change
and i know you won't care
you are just a facade.
and it sucks.

---MRS 11/15/07

ps. to all of my friends who read this, you don't know the person this is about. And it doesn't matter who it is about. It's just about a friend of mine. And when I say love, know I don't mean "love-love." Because you know I don't believe in that.

maintenance

i'm sorry if i'm broken.
but let me tell you why.
let me show you how.
and maybe you will understand.

i need somebody else to care
i need something
because this isn't working
i'm so broken
so breaking
and nobody notices.

there are other broken toys
i know
they need the same attention
but why do they get it?

who told you i was fine?
who told you i got better?
who told you you could move on now?

i want to be selfish now
because none of you are getting it
and i need you to.

because i'm sick of being sad.
and i can cry myself to sleep every night
but nobody will know.
nobody is there to see it.

restart the machine
over and over
until it starts to work
it keeps freezing
when you aren'ts looking
but you wont notice.

-MRS
11/5/07

i see no reason

some issues
make me mad
and upset
and i can't stand to hear it

i can't stand to hear
about all of their love
and all of the trust

when still, nobody hears me



why wont you remember?
why can't you keep your mouth shut
why do you even confide in people?

and nobody
who should hear these voices
is going to hear it.
nobody will hear it.

-MRS 11/5/07

a fever and friends

charmingly specific

no
it didn't ever get better

now finally someone does hurt like me
and now we are both in a mess

but it's still the same
because there is still an army to fight for someone

just like last time.

-MRS
11/4/07

"Break Myself" - Something Corporate

"I'm on fire
And the day is feeling hopeless
You'd see me burning
But the burning's turning smokeless
Soon I won't feel at all
No

It's electric the neon hurt inside your phone call
The layered sadness and the madness it revolves
Bringing down the walls where you found love
No

Well I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days my reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

And now I'm static
As your sky is turning purple and gray
I'm learning that the further that I crawl
The farther that I fall, is that ok?
No

And you're in pieces
As your world becomes a rainstorm
You've got no shelter I'm a thousand miles away
If you survive the day you say you're leaving
You say you're leaving

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days my reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

Never again will we fire this gun
No never again you're the only one
No never again but you're already gone.

I'm willing to break myself
I'm not afraid

Well, I'm willing to break myself
To shake this hell from everything I touch
I'm willing to bleed for days my reds and grays
So you don't hurt so much

So much"

my sake.

i don't like this

this having nothing.

doesn't anybody ever feel this way?
don't they ever feel
like they just
need someone?

it doesn't matter who.

i don't care who.

but does anybody know
what i mean?
what I need?

i love a few to death
and i know a couple care.

but doesn't anybody ever feel this way?

i would have someone
but it doesn't quite count.
they don't really count
until they give a damn.

but it's okay
and i dont need them to
because all that counts
is what i know
and it pulls at my heart
and it pounds at my spirit
but they are peaceful and happy
they dont need me

i wont let somebody
suffer for my sake
i wont ever ask
that they do something for me

but to know that they would
and to know that they care
and to know that they realize
i just need them there
that would be enough for me.

do you ever feel like that?


-----MRS 11/3/07

the tide.

"he's wondering what love is and why it has to end."

"heaven's not a place that you go when you die. it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive. so live for the moment and take this advice: live by every word. love is just a hoax so forget everything you have heard."

"he can't understand how everyone goes breathing when true love ends."

"but the sad thing is that they never lived past the age of fifteen due to neglect"

"all her advice, it seems useless."

"so live for the moment. and take this advice: love's completely real."

magnolia

i'm painting roses to give to you
because i don't know which you'd like
so i opted for them all.
maybe i'll plant you a garden aswell
of every single flower.
i'll paint them all
so you'll have what you like
and so that you can be happy.
i'll weed out anything
that you don't like.
this garden will be perfect.
no weeds, no nothing, no unpleasant flowers.
i will tend to it to make you happy.
so even when all the first flowers are uprooted,
i'll be painting roses to make you happy.

[[all until you accept]]
[[the unartificial version]]


----MRS 7/21/07

so...

so the selfish girl is back again.
i'm writing to no one
but hoping you'll read it
and i don't need you anymore.

so what were we all?
the time flew by and we called our lives fun
until one by one we dropped like flies.

we can't fix it now,
don't try. stop trying.
we can't be friends
because i don't need you anymore.

so after the year we drudged through
and the deceit we ignored,

i realized what we did.
everything that hurts is gone
because i hid it.
you hid it.
because it's ugly.


but i don't care if you aren't a beautiful person
i only care if you're a liar
i'm nowhere near perfect, and i don't expect you to care
so why would you think i'm so hypocritical?


then again,
i don't care if you ARE beautiful.


--MRS 7-17-07

and that's why i'm not gonna see any of you at the party

wtf

(i just found a folder of stuff)

Strings of Fate
we stood beneath the falling stars
showered with their guardian beauty
beside eachother, we whispered astray,
walking on eggshells.

do fireworks scare you?
the night was so dark.
watch the danger fly.
shield your eyes.
ghosts of honor spinning, wheeling
and dragons soar overhead

in the blink of an eye
the drums of our pride
share a beat
when the strings of fate collide.

---MRS


Just Listen
Listen.
can you hear it?
Listen. Just listen.

It's the sound
of torture.
Can you feel it?
Just listen.

It's the sound
of horror.
Do you know it?
Just listen.

It's the thought
of death.
It's for you.
If you'll listen.

Look.
Can you see it?
Watch. Just watch.

It's you.
Can't you tell?
It's you.
Just watch.

It's pain.
Can you see it?
Can you feel it?
Just wait.

You'll feel it
And you'll know it
And you'll see it.
Just listen.

---MRS '05

hope has no beginning as life has no end. Darkness overcomes you and, with it, yoru soul bends to take the weight upon it as a struggle from within.

--MRS.

display.

Dear whomever arose this plaque, this display;

There is nothing left inside that sould.
That soul out on display.
The one with the heart ripped out of the sleeve.
The soul out on display.

There is nothing left in the spaces of earth
To to try and reverse the effects---
the results of guilt, of tears and lies.

With nothing....but a display.
And the soul, the nothing on display
is empty...


----the soul out on display(MRS 04)

suffocating

lonely, heartless,
hurting, bleeding,
cold, unfeeling,
wanting, needing,
faded, empty,
sinking, healing,
broken, grey,
wounded, revealing,
sad, depressed,
seperating,
solitary,
suffocating.

----MRS 04

better

it's okay now.
it's better.
i want to be positive for once.

so i wrote you a letter
i mailed it out
but i don't know your address.

who's reading my words?

and those few who really, truely cared
are still there
they are closer
and they are with me
and i'm better
'cause they fixed me
just by caring
and by being there.

i shoo them away and they force themselves back
and i push them back
but relentlessness is key.
perseverance is key.

and i've got people now
who will last me for life
and who don't just want to talk about now.

important things
that i keep inside
they force me to tell them
and we let the truth out.


---MRS 7/7/07

my wings, my heart.

when the light is gone
and when all else fails...

silk petals faded, stained
browning leaves
beauty. beauty nevermore
and now, wither evermore.

future has turned to fate.

stepping onto the confine
i've lost my wings
they match my heart
when i fall, though,
you will give them to me.

why wont you leave me
to fall without my wings?


i'm afraid if you leave me
i will die inside
wake me up from your wicked dream
i don't want to be asleep anymore.

now, with no savior,
i wish my wings would renew.
but you took them from me.
both are gone.

----MRS '04

_____________

(i found this today, but i have no idea when or whhy i wrote it. interesting)

and our flower was a daisy,
cliche and bland and perfect

did you ever notice those old
fashioned shots
children so posed and
photographers so satisfied

cute love.
posed love.
fake love.

---MRS

overdue poem.

how many have said they were there when she needed them?
how many really had to be?
only one.
who was the one who never could hear her?
who was never there?
the same.
and who hurt her the worst of all?
and who wont even speak to her?
who distances themself from her
and wont listen to what she has to say?
Who seemed a little unphased by everything?
Who clearly didn't truely care?

Who the hell are you to trick someone like that?
Who do you think you are?

There are songs that she'll never hear the same.
There things that she'll never think clearly again.

Sometimes you have to bite the bullet and listen to her cry.
Then you say something to fix it. To make it all better.
For the time being at least.
You don't pacify and make an excuse to not speak.

MRS 5/29/07

prodigy child

so he's the self-proclaimed prodigy child.
the one that does everything right.
the one who excells in everything.
who can do nothing wrong.

he's the one that has just one purpose
and that is to outshine me.

because i am the self-proclaimed loser.
the one who screws everything up.
the one who can't do anything well.
who can't maintain herself.


MRS 5/29/07

you know

this doesn't even count
as artistic words
it's only me.
just talking.


----MRS

hurt like me.

i dont want to be dramatic
let my words be dramatic (brandi carlile paraphrase)
this expression isn't drastic
this: i'm finished with this drama

every day i see my darkness
but i want to see the light
but i'm living in this blindness
and ask hope to step aside

and it's a little bit ridiculous
i know i seem so needy
but i never did want to be
i dont want this to be about me

and i'm done now
this is the last straw
and i'm sick of everyone
and their condescending arrogance
and i want them all to hurt
so bad
i want them to hurt like me

[Heaven's not a place that you go when you die
It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive
("The Tide" - The Spill Canvas)]

and i've never seen heaven
wager that i never will
'cause i'm throwing out everyone
breaking that love
i'm distancing them.

so i can be selfish for once.
i want you not to care
cause i cant stand to think
that i could ever hurt you
more than this
because i am forgettable
no matter what you say
you'll be over this friendship
and i'd rather be alone anyway.

out of everyone i know, i'm the most scared to hurt you. you're the only person who has ever made me think that anybody could care and it hurts to think that anybody cares.

i barely know you at all and still i'm most scared of your reaction.

and this sounds stupid---i know
but i'm want to be gone
and i know it's hypocritical
but i'm scared of being missing
i'm done trying to cope
i have no good masks left
they're gonna see me and judge me
anyway, in the end.

she's so nasty. she's all dark inside.
look, she cuts herself
she must be screwed up in the head.
look, just stare at her.
keep an eye on her.
don't reach out to her,
just forget about her.

cause you'll never hurt like her.

crashing.

i do not speak to be taken to task
and i do not live to dwell on the past
i can not listen and not speak my mind
and i can not stand and not just crash

this is more than just friction
it's more than a drift
we are more than just waves
we are crashing harder

we're going down
shoot us down
we're falling and crashing
we wont take it back.


---MRS
5/2/07
((Yeah, I was thinking of Fall Out Boy songs. Can't you tell? "Sugar" and "You're Crashing but you're Not a Wave"))

i'm sorry

i'm sorry.
forgive me please.
i'm sorry.
please.
you have to believe me.
the last thing
i wanted to do
was hurt you.
and i know that i did.
and i'm sorry.
know, please,
that i'm sorry.
and it hurts me too.
it hurts me,
this talking
and i just can't stop crying.

because i think that you're hurt.
and i care.
i do.
i genuinely care.
and i don't want to hurt you
by pretending i'm fine
and i don't want to hurt you
more than i have to.
so let's see if we can
just wait 'til we know
that we can make it.

i'm so sorry.
please.
please.
just forgive me.
just please understand
that i did this for a reason.
please understand
that i'm trying to give us a chance.

and please let me not be
just one of your exes.
i'm sorry.
i'm so sorry.
and it is killing me that you are hurt.
and i want it to be okay.
please just believe me.
please understand me.
please.
i'm so sorry.
and please.
please don't hate me.

---MRS 4/24/07

if.

if time is money
then i'm loaded.
i have all the cash
in the world.

if silence is golden,
i'm shining.
i have gold everywhere
that i turn.

if a picture is worth a thousand words,
then i'm speechless.
i have nothing to say
about anything.


---MRS 4/22/07

i wrote you a poem

i wrote you a poem here
but i couldn't stand to think
that you might somehow find it.

so i deleted it
and i saved it away
where you will never see it.

i just wanted to tell you that it hurts to talk
and it's hard to look you in the eye
and i want you to know that i wanted to fix it

but i can't.
i'm the problem.

tragedy.

you've confused me
but don't leave me
though i'm writing our tragedy
don't give me
a reason
i just want
decisions
don't break me
believe me
i'm writing the tragedy
i'll lose sight
but you might
not fully understand.

all i need
is for you to not judge me.
i can't finish this tragedy
unless you were
to hurt me
and turn against
everything.
so please don't leave me.
cause i'm writing a tragedy.
it can't end abruptly
i have to suffer completely
i have to stay here
in the dark
and you have to go and live your life.

in first person

i want more than anything
to see that i wasn't wrong

but if you can't hear me
and if you can't understand it
then what else can i do?

cast aside.

do you think i'm that weak?
that i need to be fixed?
am i broken?
i wish i was accepted by you.
by everyone who matters.
but you need to fix me.
and i don't think i'm broken.

what's so wrong
that i have to change?
why would you try to take me
from everything that i believe?
when i know it is the only thing
i can count on,
why would you try to tear it down?
why do you think you can?

i'm not that weak.
because you changed
doesn't mean i'll bend.
it doesn't mean i'll break.
i am strong.
i can take it.
so take it or leave it.

---MRS 3/1/07

these are the perks

think with me back into our times
back in the glory days of rock and roll
and the songs didn't always have to rhyme
getting french fries with your mother
made your problems go away
and everything looked like it could be alright


so here's to our days that we fell so low
we faked around, on through
yeah, we'd pretend. we'd act cool
so no one ever had to know

so here's to our nights when we felt so high
but you said all we'd have to do
would be to lie under the sky
so i would lie beneath my skies
and you said that it would make me alright


(chorus) okay, we were nothing, we're nothing
'cause i thought nothing was right
mom's pancakes, sam's milkshakes
my endless mix tape nights
handmade tracks of "one winter"
everyone was so high
night drives of infinity
having the time of your life


and here's to our days when we fell too low
i masqueraded around with you
and nobody ever needs to know
so here's to lone days, so here's to long nights
when our wind tunnel songs
would have changed everybody's lives

(chorus)

think with me ahead to a time
[think to the days when music means to rock the soul]
and the greatest song
is the one that doesn't rhyme
so i wrote it for you
so i wrote you my hear in those lines


[Sam screamed this really fun scream, and there it was. Downtown. Lights on buildings and everything that makes you wonder. Sam sat down and started laughing. Patrick started laughing. I started laughing. And in that moment, I swear we were infinite. ]


----MRS '07

there was this girl...

here's a story
learn it by heart
tell it to me later
when i can't, myself,
remember.

there was a girl and there was a boy
and they were wrong for eachother
but they were right
and everything was okay.

then the girl decided she didn't like the boy
and she didn't want it to hurt
but she was scared that it did
so she just ran away as fast as she could.

the girl met a second boy
and they pretended to be happy
but all the time, the girl was sad
and the boy didn't know or care.

then the girl would cry herself to sleep
and nobody would care
but the boy was happy
because he had more girls to keep him company

the girl loved the storms and the rain
and she loved her own personal hell
and she'd cry in her rain
so that no one could tell.


---MRS 3/16/07

what she writes.

she wrote about concerns,
issues in general.
she wrote what she thought
when she thought it.
maybe it wasn't quite eloquent enough,
but it was her.

she wrote about piecing things together
after you smashed them up.
she bought it all broken,
but she's gonna fix it.
it may not be logical in anybody else's eyes,
but she thought it was good.

she wrote about her bad decisions,
even when she still thought they were right.
and she wrote about the darkness,
when she felt it.
maybe it was overdramatic,
but it was her.

she wrote herself fictions,
for reality was lost on her.
she wrote about wishes,
her hopes and her dreams.
everything cryptic and distinguishable
only by her.
And for a good reason, only by her.

she writes about disaster
and she writes about running away from it.
she writes to them, but the letters don't send.
and she writes to herself
because nobody else will.

she will write about her life one day,
she can write about her dreams.
the ones that came true,
the ones that someone stole,
the wishes that she'd had
and the people that she'd known.

and she will think,
when she can write no more,
about why it all happened.
perhaps her words will tell you,
or maybe they will remain
as clearly as the truth before.

--MRS 2/20/07

breakdown honestly

When you painted me a picture of a fractured misleader
When you gave him all the shadows and the darkness of his eyes
When you outlined, for me, how not to be, why not to be and what not to be
When did you decide you'd paint me everything but lies?

Your hollow shell of humanity, stained with imperfection
Stares me down, my memory and I can't stand to look him in the eye.
I'm drowning in these broken illusions, thanks for clearing the air
My conscience hid the truth from me but you broke me down.
Perhaps because you cared enough?

Did I really need to see your true colors?
Wasn't blind infatuation good enough for you?
Can't I not dig deeper, please.
I'm sick of cleaning up the mess it leaves
When someone swims much deeper than I can even hold my breath.

I wish I wasn't so far involved, so here I'll try to run.
Break free before someone gets too attatched
And I'll be on my own.
And I'll be my imperfection.
I'll be my own best friend
Because you didn't work out for me.

You did that though. You opened my eyes to see who you were.
Who you had to be.
It's nobody's fault, it's impersonal, dearest,
But this is it.
I'm done.
I'm finally finished.

---MRS 2/16/07

And maybe some day we'll be better again and maybe we can be friends again. Maybe some day, I will talk to you. But until that day, I'm going to run from you. I'll yell at you, and I'll scare you. I don't want to, so I'll run from you.